Some days, I just wish I was like everybody else.
It doesn’t last long, but in the quiet times late at night or first thing in the morning, I yearn for a time when simple enjoyment was easier to find because you weren’t yanking around a metric tonne of baggage behind you. In gaming terms that means that my long memory’s a hindrance, deciding details matter more than rewards a disadvantage. Having the time it takes to play roughly equivalent of that which some guilds can do a full night’s worth of progression raiding yet only getting one thing done can become very frustrating. When you’ve lost the basic ability to enjoy anything and people laugh and say ‘oh just take a break, it will come back’ and you want to tell them its not the game that’s the problem but you… How do I explain to those who think the answer is always something else but never them?
Depression makes everything grey, even the brightest things.
I don’t like this moose. Making it spectral is meh. The one for finishing Leatherworking I cannot do alone, and I’m too proud to ask for help, but it doesn’t matter. Could I just have a plain, no frills moose maybe with a saddle I could design myself, so it looks different to everybody else’s? Is that really too much to ask for in this game, where all I still crave is the ability to be different without the need to look like a fucking tool? I don’t want to play hardcore, or even softcore raiding any more, and I’m totally capable of killing 12 mobs on my own without the need to be presented with a fucking medal or a special achievement for doing so. I just want to play, but these rewards aren’t what I need. I realised last night there’s no miracle solution coming either, this game isn’t about to suddenly sprout a conscience and start playing to my desire for righteousness any time soon. If I want enjoyment, I have to go and find it.
That means until 7.2 advances the plot forward, I am going back to a piecemeal existence.
For me therefore that is Toy collection (because it’s not intrinsically tied to a game design/reward system I now hate) and collecting Mounts. In current content, I now finally have the last part of my Skinning journey to complete (which will be doable, but only in a couple of nights because I’ll need to badger husband for tanking) and then there is the Fishing artifact. However, nowhere is there a guide to completing this except for third party sites, and this makes me REALLY sad. Look, to those who think I have a beef with the people who make money from these, I really don’t, I just don’t get why Blizz doesn’t just absorb one into its own infrastructure and have done with it, because I pay enough money to them to begin with. If you’re producing content that complicated that you can only successfully finish the process with a Guide? Just buy a website, already.
Then at least it will feel less like I’m cheating myself for enjoyment.
When you are completely aware that there’s no point in directing ire at a company because you are the problem? All that thrashing around and attempting to ineffectively blame someone else for your own shortcomings looks a bit… well, childish. As I cannot expect a fix to magically drop from the sky into my lap, I need to relearn a basic principle. Be happy with what you have. No amount of walking away and freeing myself from perceived tyranny will actually work here. I’m adult enough to grasp my inability to alter the UI to my liking is not the major issue. I’m not about to leave and discover the perfect antidote to Warcraft. This is my favourite game, I just forgot how to enjoy myself here. I get happiness in other places but only because I’ve grasped that for me that truly comes with the understanding I make it on my own terms. Because I can’t make this game give me what I want in one way does not mean that’s out of the question in others.
The trick now, as has always been the case before, is not it changing for me, but the other way around.
For many people, that acquiescence is simply unacceptable or intractable. That is totally understandable based on how the rest of the World works for them. I realise, sitting here alone in the quiet of an early morning sleeping household that the best moments for me are simply those which involve one job and one reward. I don’t really care how long that takes, but as long as I can guarantee at the end I moved forward, then I’m golden. That means even though it’s not what I wanted, my mount total’s gone up by one. My toy total’s up by one as well and last night I snail crawled myself forward on another of the Falcosaur mounts.
I have to go fight Battle pets for the other which I just couldn’t do last night, yet I find myself using Guides to defeat WQ Trainers because another 10 and I get the pet storage extension. I said I wouldn’t do it, but at least then I have space for things I might pick up along the way. Then there is a notion of using time well. I tried to sell my pets but I can’t. I just won’t level them. The PvP quests can go screw themselves, and nope I’m not doing a Pet Dungeon because it’s a fucking gimmick and no, I’m never EVER going to squee about how cute a bunch of pixels is, so just stop now. I will collect, and hopefully find a way to be at peace again.
I suspect there will be a lot of fishing in my future. It always helped in difficult times, and will make a good place to start. I should organise more too, but with just so much to consider with every alt, including having to get a weapon and relearn fighting? That may be an ask too much for now. We will see. Last night there was at least a notion of progress, which bodes well moving forward.