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My daughter told me this morning that I get too emotionally invested in shit. She’s absolutely right. It makes me realise that gaming is not nearly as important as the people involved in it. I’m watching a load of them right now fill my social media timelines with so much happiness and joy, proving that it is the relationships that matter far more than the mechanics of the UI’s. That’s pretty tough for many of you to deal with at distance, I know this because for every ‘OMG THIS IS GREAT’ tweet there’s been an equivalent ‘Trying not to be Jelly but SO HARD‘ tweet. It’s particularly tough when you can’t be somewhere and are watching tons of people have the time of their lives. I get this only too well, especially when there are people there I’d so love to meet.

This is the downside to social media nobody tells you about but which hurts most of all.

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This year I’m not covering Blizzcon in any capacity. I’ll be catching up on news via other people’s media and not making it myself, and most importantly I’m not going to watch the Opening Ceremony. I could make some excuse or pretend I have to be out but the fact is very simple: it’s just too painful now for me from an emotional standpoint to be involved. When you won’t be the grumpy bastard in the room and having to pretend to be happy is just too hard? The most sensible thing is to walk away. I’m also conscious of this ending up being about me ahead of the most important day of the year for many people and I’m not stealing anybody’s thunder, just not gonna happen. I know the people who really care will totally get why I’m stepping away, so that’s completely cool. I just feel I have to say it somewhere, out loud, just so when people ask ‘but hey you always live-tweet the Opening ceremony’ they know why this year I’ll be focusing on NaNoWriMo instead.

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Because I can’t be there, I don’t want the pain. I am never going to be in the position to throw that amount of money on personal vanity, which is what this is. I get tetchy as soon as the ticket sales start, and part of me resents the amount of money that is thrown at merchandising. I know, all of this is completely subjective and personal, and I would be a foolish woman to even begin to be critical of the process. So, when I ask myself why, if it matters so much to me I can’t find a way? I know the answer. The game doesn’t mean that much to me as it did. The people however matter far, FAR more than was ever the case, and this year that’s how this entire emotional disconnect has taken place. This year, I resent paying Activision Blizzard for the virtual rights to watch what for me are things that are no longer as relevant as they were.

I have truly become a Casual player.

With that, I’ll be off to write words and other blogs on how my body hurts in a way I never thought possible, how I broke down in tears at the Gym today because my best isn’t enough any more, and realise that life, like gaming, is never the same thing twice… unless the only way you enjoy your pixels is through forced repetition, of course. I hope everyone at Anaheim has an amazing weekend, I really do, because if you pay to do all of this shit, one assumes you’re doing so to have the best time possible.

May the next two days be all that you hope it will be, and more.

2 thoughts on “Not Going Back

  1. I know them feels. I attended a convention once in Washington DC. It wasn’t huge. But I had a chance to meet and play with a bunch of people from the forums of the game we all played. The following year I managed to go to GenCon. It was an experience to say the least. And I had a glimpse of what it must be like to attend something like Blizzcon every year. It is like you said. More about the people. Being able to meet that one Blizzard employee that you have always wanted to meet, or that blogger. Still wish I could have gotten to NY. And I am in the same boat. I cannot possibly justify ever going. It is a cost I could never dig out of the hole for going. Some day. If I ever win the lottery. We are all going. Even if I have to grease some palms and make a special donation to the charity.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. You forgot “filthy” in front of casual. Welcome to the team! And hey, keep crushing the gym. I went through an awesome phase there, then got hurt and fell so far behind on my goals, and now I am working to get back to where I was – JUST so I can get even further ahead of that and better. It’s daily persistence. Something a WoW player can appreciate! (even a filthy casual…)

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